Coach's Fighting Championship

Even Raiders fans seem to have ceased being surprised by the mess that their organisation continues to wander blindly into. In fact it has almost become something of a humorous bone in the NFL world, unless your name is Cable, Goddell or Hanson. Notice the absence of Al Davies who, if we’re being perfectly honest, has just stopped giving a damn, perhaps he goes to sleep at night not by counting sheep but headlines. With the continuous dribble of information coming out of Oakland and as the media carries on piecing the mystery together it got me thinking, if I was in Randy Hanson’s position in any NFL coaches office which head coach would I least like flying at me, teeth bared, fists up? We quite clearly have our heavyweight champion in Cable who obviously would “f***ing kill you” given the opportunity, but who are his challengers and who are the good, gentle souls of the National Football League, this is my power rankings for head coach violence. For these rankings I will try and take into account everything although some may not get far past body size, Andy Reid aint coming near the bottom anytime soon for example. This is not based on team bias, I’m usually a huge homer I admit that, but Mike Smith wouldn’t break my teeth, I hope. It has to be remembered that even minutes after I post this Jim Zorn may be moving out of Washington D.C so his position will forever be tainted as he may not be in a job long enough to assault a defensive coach. Without further delay, the rankings for the Coach's Fighting Championship.

31. Brad Childress (Minnesota Vikings)
You just cannot imagine Childress hurting anything. As a person I’m sure he’s a great guy but he’s very gray. I couldn’t imagine having to put up much resistance to any attempted assault from Coach Childress, also the way he acted at the arrival of Brett Favre shows that he needs a strong man in his life and maybe couldn’t do much of his own dirty work.

30. Norv Turner (San Diego Chargers)
Norv’s kindda like one of your kind uncles, gives you a lot of hope and anticipation and then doesn’t fully deliver with the Christmas gift. Despite this he’s always at the family gatherings and always one of the nice guys. Try and picture this for a second, Phillip Rivers throws an interception in the end zone in the Super Bowl, whats Turner going to do freak out or give him a consolation hug? My point exactly.

29. Sean Payton (New Orleans Saints)
Another who you just can’t see throwing himself into a fight, but now we’re starting to see the kind of guy who’s probably at least try and put up a fight against Tom Cable, although not much of one. Plus he lives in New Orleans, Payton’s a lover not a fighter.

28. Todd Haley (Kansas City Chiefs)
This is one where I really wasn’t too sure where Haley deserved to go, I see a lot of Sean Payton in him just with more facial hair. This is now the primary reason that Haley is above Payton but also the blandness means that he will not get a shot at the heavyweight champ.

27. Lovie Smith
His names Lovie, how could you possibly imagine anything other than a good guy. Well I think that he has something more about him that prevents Smith being the number one lover on the list, that certain X factor that can just put that intimidation into a group of people, unfortunately in the end his first name and the fact he is now the proud owner of his own big baby in Jay Cutler so he has to set a good example.

26. Jim Schwartz
Living in Detroit keeps Schwartz off the very bottom of the rankings but otherwise Coach Schwartz is the perennial Mr nice guy. There is a certain toughness about guys from Detroit, it’s the same about guys from places like Seattle and Denver, Detroit then qualifies Schwartz for 26th position, if he coached the Patriots he wouldn’t be here.

25. Jack Del Rio (Jacksonville Jaguars)
I just get the feeling about Del Rio that football is his big hobby, he does it for fun and enjoys the Florida sun, his real passion has to be something like golf. He has a real good pro and college sports resume but he now seems set to sit on his fortune in the sunshine coast, play golf and make college related bets with Maurice Jones-Drew, that might possibly get him to fight, otherwise nothing.

24.John Harbaugh (Baltimore Ravens)
Again the city wins out for Harbaugh rather than his own persona, Baltimore definitely qualifies up there with those tough cities and living there gives Harbaugh some bonus points. You could however imagine taking him home to meet your mother and she wouldn’t be disappointed, clean cut and hard working but tough and living in Baltimore gets you 24 on this list.

23. Jim Zorn (Washington Redskins)
There’s something very Third Reich about Jim Zorn, you could easily imagine him spending his spare time dressed in a leather trench coat, there’s something about his eyes that you wouldn’t want to upset. He may however not be in work by the time I finish this sentence so the intimidation factor is slightly lower, although his stress levels are cranked up, approach with caution.

22. Mike Smith (Atlanta Falcons)
Smiddy is again just like a cool uncle, although this time you’d probably want him on your side in a fight, and you could at least imagine Mike Smith in an argument. Having seen the veins pop out of his head and the blood congregate in his face your realise he’s not a coach you’d happily upset, but one that wouldn’t be too intimidating, especially with that funny hat he wears at training.

21. Jim Mora (Seattle Seahawks)
Again city helps but you put Zorn in a fight with anyone in the list before this and, so long as Childress fights without Favre as his tag-team partner, he wins. He’s the first to really separate himself by this criteria but it says a lot that this can’t break him into the top 20.

20. Jim Caldwell (Indianapolis Colts)
Caldwell actually bumps the Colts up a few spaces in comparison to Tony Dungy but more suits the relaxing outside his house with some cold lemonade and maybe some fried chicken. He has though got a little look about him that you wouldn’t want to push too many buttons.

19. Bill Belichick (New England Patriots)
The Jedi master, Hoody, whatever you want to call him there is a feeling inside me that scares me an awful lot about Belichick. I feel like he can look deep into my soul and discover all my greatest fears, use his Jedi mind skills and pulverise me. However other NFL coaches immune to such tricks could beat down the senior coach.

18. Wade Phillips (Dallas Cowboys)
Just through sheer physical presence Phillips gets a middle of the field kind of mark, he’s a one punch kindda guy, if you can make him have to go anything over say 15 seconds he’ll be blowing and will be asking Mr Jones to pay for his hospital bills, he is the first though that I think is immune to the Jedi mind tricks.

17. Gary Kubiak (Houston Texans)
Kubiak is simply a scrapper, he’ll hang around in fights long enough to hold Wade Phillips, he won’t try stealing Caldwells lemonade and he doesn’t expect much for Christmas, personally though I just think he’d punch real hard and we may have our first teeth breaker!

16. Josh McDaniels (Denver Broncos)
McDaniels had the opportunity to score really highly in the rankings, he didn’t take a swing at Jay Cutler or Brandon Marshall, he sparred in the media and through official channels and avoided physical conflict. I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt in marking him high, although he could easily fall way out of the top 20 if he pussyfooted around a situation like that again.

15. Marvin Lewis (Cincinnati Bengals)
He just looks tough, stern and a little mean. I don’t know if this combination can amount to sporadic physical violence, he could beat a lot of people down though and beat them hard, and do it gentlemanly which is perhaps holding him back a little.

14. John Fox (Carolina Panthers)
Fox was a strange one to have to make a decision on, basically I think he could beat down anyone previously listed but would struggle against anyone higher on the list. That’s the only reason he is here and nowhere else.

13. Raheem Morris (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
To me Raheem Morris looks an awful lot like he was miscast as a football coach and missed a great opportunity to star as some kind of gang affiliate in The Wire, especially in the sampled picture with his chosen head gear and shorts. This is no reflection in Raheem just that I would not choose to fight him but would happily pay money to see him in conflict with any other NFL coach.

12. Mike Tomlin (Pittsburgh Steelers)
Ditto for Tomlin with cop shows, although he seems much more suited to playing the cop character. As I go I’m creating new ideas for this whole cop show using NFL head coaches, anyone for Axel Tomlin? Anyone? Anyone want to fight Tomlin? No? That’s why he’s twelfth.

11. Tom Coughlin (New York Giants)
He just looks mean, real mean. Even for the good cop, bad cop combination of Tomlin and Morris he looks mean. Add in the New York factor and suddenly Coughlin becomes a real adversary for anyone, right on the edge of the top 10 and, in my opinion well deserving of his place.

10. Jeff Fisher (Tennessee Titans)
Look at the picture hard, real hard. Now tell me if you see what I see, doesn’t Fisher just look the kinda guy who’s done some military service, worked the rail road, watched football at the weekend with his buddies after going deer hunting or fishing or some other carnivorous activity that is plentiful in Tennessee. Yup my thoughts exactly, barbrawl.com for more Jeff Fisher info.
9. Ken Wisenhunt (Arizona Cardinals)
Wisenhunt just looks trucker tough, and thats damn tough. He might not be the biggest coach or the most intimidating looking but he has that look of a genuine tough guy. Could anyone else see Wisenhunt as modern day Snowman? Kurt Warner could be the Bandit, I smell reboot!

8. Mike Singletary (San Francisco 49ers)
He goes out and hit people in the mouth. Period.

Joint 6. Steve Spagnuolo (St Louis Rams) Dick Jauron (Buffalo Bills)
I could not separate these two, they both have incredibly intense eyes, the scary kind that give children nightmares. I would not like to get on the wrong side of either of these guys, I’m worried for their players if they keep playing like they have been. Could you imagine trying to explain why you didn’t make that play to these two, not so much.

Joint 2. Eric Magini (Cleveland Browns), Mike McCarthy (Green Bay Packers), Rex Ryan (New York Jets), Andy Reid (Philadelphia Eagles)
As the last two were tied this time I have four tied for second position. This is such an important position in the rankings how can you possibly place one of these two above the other. If anyone can please tell me how, they are all basically physical clones of each other, give or take some dictator style facial hair and this would be a battle royal to end all battle royals, pay-per-view, yes please.

1. Tony Sparano (Miami Dolphins)
The champ is Tony Sparano. I could easily have included Sparano with the previous group, same physical characteristics, dictator moustache and intimidating presence. The one distinguishing factor, and we needed to have a clear number one, is the name and everyone I asked jumped on this real quick. Look real hard at the picture, transpose the bright green for a black shirt, move him from Miami to New Jersey and pow! You have a spitting image of Televisions favourite gangster. He won’t assault a member of his coaching staff, a member of the family will do it for him.